My life has been an extremely complex jigsaw puzzle that I am still finding quite difficult to unravel. But like Job, I have found that God isn’t afraid of our questions, He in fact, welcomes them and draws us in closer to learn more. I am astounded by His supreme intelligence, extraordinary strategy, deep unsearchable wisdom, even while still perplexed at the trajectory of my experience.
Walk with me, dear reader, and let’s see if you can unravel it to an extent…
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
I hear that phrase very often in religious gatherings but never really felt it applied to me.
How could God have been mindful of me when He permitted me to be abused by a young uncle at 8 and raped violently at 17? He must have had a lot on His plate and His surveillance schedule fully booked, because in both cases, I was left so alone, with no one to truly care or comfort me.
Where was He whent my birth mother died in a fire when I was 9 and left to be a literal Cinderella (remember the fairy tale, but not the happy ending) in my new home for years?
Was He watching over me when 3 of my extremely close friends died prematurely and within the space of 9 months, one from an acute sickle cell attack, the other two from ghastly road accidents? Was He on a break then?
Maybe He was on a short vacation when I suffered a no-guarantee separation at 16 from my super-mom who I had only just grown to love or that 3-year stint when I rolled with the wrong friends in the University, partied hard and wilded out.
God may not have been bothered with me when I was an overworked and underpaid corporate executive for 9 straight years, reaching burnout multiple times. I remember, like it was yesterday, when I had to pass up on a travel opportunity to finish a project I worked on from thought to reality. I was overcome by an inexplicable and debilitating nerve condition that made everything (even talking) on the entire left half of my body pulsate with burning pain. The pain came with little or no warning and as often as dozen times a day, and when it is at its peak, it took days and days and hospital injections to find relief. I was passed over for a promotion twice because I was deemed ‘unreliable’ by my managers and team.
Lord, where were You through all these tribulations?
However I guess I need to look at it through another lens…one that says God was right there: the same yesterday, today and forever.
He was there weeping over the abuse I experienced but working it all out in my eventual favor.
He was there in the fire, making sure my brother and I were preserved with no hair out of place despite having jumped from a 3-storey.
He was there with a big spiritual hug when my friends were being buried.
He was intensely involved in the godly friendships I explored in the university and listened closely to my heart’s cry when I reached the end of my everything with the substance and self abuse.
He was there when I was in the corporate world, helping me to learn rapidly, grow resilience and emotional grit in ways I didn’t even know existed.
He was there to make sure that my path shined bright, so that I was not killed by that pain. Instead I survived and I am alive and well to tell my story.
Wow Lord, You were truly right here with me. Who am I, that you are so mindful of me?! I’ve searched and studied, yet I remain unable to decipher this loaded question.
So I realize that ‘Ka bi o, o ma si oooo’ = there is no one able to question You.
I run into His everlasting arms and even though the answers are few and far between, I know that I am sheltered from every new storm.
My name is Nifemi. This is my victory song!
Has God brought you through some things and given you victory on the other side?
Do you have a victory song that resonates with your experience?
Please share with us in the comments section below. Have a victorious #WomanWednesday!