Walk of Shame 2 – Exposing the Demon Within

Daren was just 7 years old when it all started. I was 12 and blossoming. I had started getting full around my chest area at the age of 9, and then my shape and height took over by age 11.

Dad and I had always been close from birth, so it was no surprise that I was often seen kissing him on the lips and sitting on his thighs every now and then. Plus he was my father, so it was expected.

Things got funny when Mum died. He was a nervous wreck, I had to grow up fast as I had to take care of my Dad and baby brother. I wasn’t surprised when he came back home late and drunk just a week after Mum’s burial and barely 3 days to my 13th birthday.

I would always wait up till he got home, offer him his food and sometimes convince him to eat as he usually didn’t feel like. On this fateful day, I tried to feed him. He looked at me and smiled.

“You remind me of your Mum, ever so caring.”

I smiled. He took the spoon from me and ate as I watched him. When he was done, I cleared the table and as usual, gave him a peck on the lips, saying my goodnight but that was when the James the demon took over because that was not my loving Father anymore.

My Dad’s arm went around my head, forcing me to deep kiss him and before I knew what was happening, against all my pleas and tears, my father took away my innocence, my happiness and my life.

I didn’t make it to school the next morning. My little brother, on his way to school, stopped by my room, looked at me without saying anything and walked away. When he came back home, he went to the fridge, took two apples, came to my room, offered me one and ate the second.

It was like he knew I was not going to make lunch. That night, I forced myself to make dinner as I was so hungry and knew Daren will be too. Daren, my baby brother, stayed with me while I made dinner and followed me to my room after we ate. I didn’t wait on Dad that day but heard as he came in, drunk.

The next morning, I woke up to see Daren sleeping on my bed around my leg space. I woke him up and together, we went to make breakfast. I was shocked to see him by my bathroom door as I came out of the shower.

Funny how he never left my side since that day. He was never a clingy child until that day and he was an introvert so he hardly talked or chatted. I never asked him why he became clingy, I just felt it was about Mom until his response that day in the hospital.

We talked about it for the first time, crying through it all. All the bottled up feelings freed itself that day. My brother, Daren, now a Pastor, told me that he watched it all (the rape I mean) but could not do anything for fear of Dad.

He found it harder to confront me about it when I started acting up and avoiding him after moving out of our family home at 18.

I told him about my stint with my boss and how my husband threw me out. He invited me to a meeting with a group of people who were raped as children. It was a relief being able to share my fears with my brother. He spent the night with me at the hospital and was there when I got discharged.
It felt good for once to have people that experienced the same as I did and wouldn’t judge. I looked forward to attending the group.

Have you or anyone you know been raped, especially as a child? Do send us a private mail so we can help you heal and grow through this with love – nojudgement@whiteolive.org

Join us next week, same time for ‘Walk of Shame 3 – Finding Your Way Back’.

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