Walk of Shame 3 – Confronting the Truth

Reluctantly but searching for a solution to save my marriage and my face, I went to the group my brother introduced me to.

I heard so many people’s stories. They really were heartbreaking stories and I wondered how they found a place in their hearts to smile and achieve things. Even our coach was abused as a toddler up until she became a teenager. Her assistant experienced the same, but he was male and abused by his own father and uncle. The stories were out of a Nollywood movie; I couldn’t believe they were real; as real as what I had faced and chose to forget till that day.

It was hard to share my story at first; my doctor convinced me that it will help purge me of self-hate. Yes, he said it always starts with self-pity and then it dives into self-hate sometimes, without you knowing as you switch on your self-destruct mode.

The day I shared my story, the group hugged and cried with me. My brother was there; he just stepped out and walked away. I knew he went to cry. As I spoke, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. Flashes of what I had done with my boss came to me and I felt disgusted. Flashes of how I lived my life trying to hide from the truth, building a wall thinking I was hurting men when I was only hurting myself…oh! How I hurt myself.

I remembered way back in University when my boyfriend tried to sleep with me and I had said no but he forced his way. How I laid there like a log of wood…building more walls…freezing my heart.

How after Uni, I camped with a man that was old enough to be my grandfather just because I wanted my Dad to know I was done with him and never wanted to set eyes on him.

Oh, how I hurt myself and built walls…walls that shut me out of love, of care, of true friends and oh…of a man that truly loved me despite my garbage.
I cried.

I cried for the years wasted, hurting my soul, doing more evil when God was there to love me and show me that my pain could be lifted away from me but I refused to listen.

How I stopped myself from having a baby and blamed it all on my Dad when I was the cause of my problems. The D&Cs, the pills and the drugs. He didn’t force that on me, I did those on my own free will, believing in the lies the devil had told me to keep me from the truth…from surviving!
How I pushed my brother, Daren, away…even as a child, he knew I was in pain and tried to be there for me but I couldn’t see past my hate!

I cried.

I don’t even know where to start from as I might not be able to ever get a good job again but that is not my biggest pain. My biggest pain is my husband, Versh. How do I get him to love me again?

Does anyone out there have any solutions for me? Any advice that would be helpful? I’ve now confronted the truth within me, how do I confront the truth of my husband’s hurt as a result of my consistent betrayal and wickedness?

If you have any suggestions on how Halle can turn her life around and get a second chance with Versh, please comment below.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

XOXO

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