Walk Of Shame 4 – Starting All Over

Working with the group counselor has been a deep intense journey into myself. I never knew there were so many layers covered in the pain of rape and sexual abuse. In fact, this hiatus has helped me discover the direct effects of the violation on my self image and subconscious.

As I peeled back and dived in, it took a lot of courage for me to confront the past, open up about my pain, assumptions and behavior. Why I did the things I did, thinking erroneously that I was being tough, sleeping with multiple guys, hurting friends and acquaintances along the way.

Francisca, my counselor, was very gentle, but firm. She helped me see that I needed to open the wound, not cover it. She held space for me to talk, just talk, but with direction and healing stops and Aha moments that were breakthroughs!

As I figured my way through, it became clear that I needed to go confront my dad. Yes, he was still alive and Daren came along to support me.
Wow. What an encounter. The fear. The pain. The disgusting trip down memory lane, back to where it started. Back in that house that felt like a cage and held me in a mind trap for 15 years.

Dad was old, ill and sorry. He had tears in his eyes the moment we walked in and it took all of my willpower to make it through my speech. I told him how he ruined my life, what he had done to my mind but also, how I’m on this journey back to real life.
He listened, humbly. Breaking down at intervals and Daren firmly asking him to let me continue, my Dad finally knelt down in front of his daughter in repentance.

That was a split-rock moment for me. Phenomenal! I could finally breathe again. Not only had I opened up to the light, counseling and group support, i was free from the shadow of the assumption of my father’s wickedness.
With no one else to blame, I was ready to crawl, beg, fight for the love of my life – Versh.

It had been 5 months since I last saw Versh. I remembered, like yesterday, when he packed my things and with extreme pain in his eyes, said: ‘Halle, I can’t do this anymore’. How would he ever trust me again? How could I make him see that I was truly a different person with a completely new perspective on life and self-worth?

Versh agreed to meet me in our one-time favorite restaurant as he said our home was still off limits to me. That stung!
The first ‘hi’ was awkward, I wasn’t sure whether to shake his hand or… well, neither was he.
He heard me out, listened intently to me for a full 32 minutes. All I wanted was another chance. I knew it was a lot to ask after all $#*! I put him through for 6 years.

Nothing could have prepared me for his answer.
He asked me to give him time. Sigh. Time was all I had, so yes. I could and would wait a lifetime for him. He is worth it, a million times over. We agreed to meet once a week for 6 weeks and take it from there. I guess he wants to be really sure I had changed on was seriously on the road to recovery.

I am.
Still in counseling, still consistently meditating and journaling.
Not every day is peachy, there are moments of depression, but I have chosen to take off my masks and live my most authentic life.
I get up every single morning, putting one foot in front of the other, stepping out of the boat of my dark past and walking on water.
I’m starting all over because I hear that “when you wake up is your morning”.

Is this YOUR morning?
If you need help starting all over, coming back to life from the pain of rape or sexual abuse, please email us at nojudgement@whiteolive.org

We are here to help.


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