Walk Of Shame

I was an extreme extrovert to some and to others, an extreme introvert. I wonder how my husband fell in love with me, cause in truth, I loathed myself. The strange part was that I didn’t know!

I drank too much, smoked too much… mind you, I drank and smoked anything and everything. Most guys called me rigid because, emotionally, I was a wreck.

I used to say that a stone lived where my heart was and it was better for me. I didn’t know it was not at all good for me. I dated who I liked when I like and how I liked it. In between it all, I got married. I did it because everyone was doing it, besides, I had gotten old and this man, this man I call my husband, well, he saw something in me and asked me to marry him. I obliged because he was rich, young and handsome; which lady wouldn’t?!

Today, I was booed out of my office. I was caught sleeping with my boss. I was caught by his wife and there was no lying my way out of this. Even Ike, my boss went on his knees to beg his wife and sacked me on the spot. It took me 9 years back in time when I was s&%t shamed out of my dance group in Uni, almost for the same reason. I was caught sleeping with one of the popular dancer’s man and he wasn’t the first, there were about 4 of them and I was exposed that day. It ruined my life in school.

On getting home, I met my husband with one of my suitcases packed and waiting for me in the living room. He shook his head as I walked in and said:
‘Halle, I think it’s best we go our separate ways. I can’t do this anymore’

For the first time, I felt something and it wasn’t a good feeling. I heard the crack, I heard the scattering and I felt the fall. Moments later, surrounded by doctors, I realized I was the one that screamed and fell to the ground.

‘Versh…Versh…

I asked for my husband but he was nowhere to be found. I had lost him for good this time and it hurt me so bad. So bad because I had put him through a lot, put us through a lot. I wondered why…I thought this was what I wanted, to divorce him but now, I wonder why… why did he leave me?

When I slept with his best friend, in our bedroom, months to our wedding, he didn’t leave then, so why now? When he caught me with his business partner, in the office they shared, he didn’t leave, so why now? Even on our wedding day, on the dance floor, I was so drunk I mistakenly kissed his brother thinking it was him, yet, he forgave me and stayed so why now?

The nurses tried to console me but I could not stop crying, I wanted my Versh, for once, for the first time, I truly wanted my husband by my side. I truly, truly needed him to hug me, forgive me and love me like he always did. For once, I felt broken-hearted.

‘Halle…halle…now open your mouth, be a good girl and open for daddy…’

I woke up all sweaty and scared as a doctor and some nurses ran to my bedside. I knew my mouth was open but I could not hear me scream. I was visibly shaken. Then I saw him, like an angel, he walked in. I stretched my hands out for him and cried uncontrollably as the nurses tried to pacify me. I struggled free from them wanting him to come to me, to hold me but he looked at me strangely, then he walked slowly towards me… and into my arms…

He did this to me…daddy did this to me…

I know dear…I know and I am so sorry!

It is common for victims of rape and sexual abuse to find new avenues to unleash their pain. Most grow up traumatized and left insensitive to morals, hiding behind rigidity, finding it difficult to have normal feelings and deep human connections.

Have you or anyone you know been raped or abused, especially as a child? Do send us a private mail so we can help you go through this with love nojudgement@whiteolive.org

Join us next week, same time for the next episode: ‘Walk of Shame – exposing the demon within’.

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