I always envied the relationship my siblings had with each other. It became so obvious after Mum died. Even at the burial, they held hands and cried on each other’s shoulders. I could not even shed a tear, I was crying inside of me but outside I was plain-faced. I felt a pain deep down and I had no one to share it with so it was no surprise that I moved out weeks after my Mum died.
My siblings, especially my sister, tried to keep in touch. I remember the night before I moved out. She came into my room, sat by my side, took my hands and smiled.
You know Mum loved you, yeah, you were her favourite …she always talked about you with so much admiration and when she did, her eyes always lit up.
I smiled and looked at her. “That cannot be possible; Mum could not stand the sight of me.”
“But you are wrong”, my sister said.
“Mum was only scared that you’d make a mistake you would live to regret. You were always doing something… something unheard of…unthinkable and you were supposed to be our pacesetter.”
It dawned on me that she was right. Mum was just trying to put me on the right track and my stubborn nature didn’t allow me to see that. That stubborn streak made me antisocial. Staying ways from my mum, trying not to understand and embrace her love, made me blind to the fact that I was also pushing my siblings away due to envy, envy I created in my mind.
I now try to call my siblings once a month, especially on their birthdays. I don’t have much to say to them, my lone ranger act has made me antisocial and this has trickled into my workplace and family relationships.
I find it hard to trust, to open up and to interact. I prefer to be on my own so I don’t talk much, want much or feel much.
It’s a sad way to live.
This way of living makes it hard for you to appreciate friends and so, I had no value for friendship and lost the people who took time out to be my friends. Because I had no value for friendship, I did things to hurt these friends, driving them far from me and leaving me, still, in the lonely zone, boring a hole deeper in my lonely well.
Not long after all these, I started feeling depressed. Depressed from not having anyone to talk to; to share my ups and down; to hold and feel loved; someone to comfort me when I felt down. I felt so unloved and hid away in my room, not wanting to come out, not wanting to see daylight. I was not having my bath, not combing my hair, not eating…I almost died before anyone noticed.
Do you know being antisocial can do you more harm than good? Loneliness can lead to depression; do you need to talk to someone?
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Do join us as we talk through ‘Relationships Goals’ this November.